we made out on top of his cat.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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