that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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