New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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