i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
