So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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