I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
