I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
