I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
