So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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