remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
