dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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