Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
its not stalking. its research.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
