alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
two words: eviction party
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
