I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
