Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
