I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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