I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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