walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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