Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
