Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
