There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
