i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
