I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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