Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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