Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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