forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
