so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
