Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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