she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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