I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
