Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
