that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I understand Curling. That high.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
