totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
