I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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