i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you didnt know i had herpes?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
