So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
