the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
