my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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