she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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