I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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