Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
