It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
