Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hippo gnu deer
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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