mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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