Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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