Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
