you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
