I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He is an equal opportunity slut.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
