I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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