Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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