dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
