I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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