Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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