So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
