My liver just broke up with me...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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