Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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