Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
