no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
