I'd wear matching sweaters with you
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
